Left behind

I'm such a freaking downer.  It's either I'm all woe is me here on my blog or I talk about Lady Gaga.  Goddamnit.  See, now I've mentioned her in yet another post.

Tonight, I finally convinced my family to go out for dinner.  It's been a very uphill battle lately.  They always say "no" when I ask if we can, saying it's a waste of money and all that.  Aye, but therein lies the rub: they go out for dinner nearly every weekend with their friends.  Whenever I suggest, Let's go out for dinner!, it's always "no, we went out last week."  No, correction: I didn't.  Then they attempt to say "well the last time you went out was not that long ago," when we all very well know it was my mom's birthday.  In January.  Indeed, I kept tabs.

I digress!  We're out for dinner, I am very smug with satisfaction, and the topic eventually gets onto the family vacation to Myrtle Beach, commencing Friday.  But when I say family vacation, I mean, the family minus me.  I can deal with the conversation, but it keeps going... and going... and ten minutes later I haven't opened my mouth at all; instead I'm listening to when they're packing or the restaurants they'll visit or the things they'll do (or don't want to).

Yeah, so it's March Break for my sister.  I had my reading week last week, so I'm not getting gypped out of a week off; similarly I can't take a week off of regulation classes to travel with the family.  In fact, I don't even care that it's Myrtle Beach, since I've been once and it wasn't all that great.  On top of that, I'll get the house to myself for a week - even though various members of my family will be visiting for dinner, or even though I'll be elsewhere for the whole weekend.  Even still, nobody'll be in my way as I drink alone on St. Patrick's Day. :')

Despite all that, I can't help but feel a bit upset that I'm missing out on a family vacation - even if it isn't a once in a lifetime excursion, I'm still a little put out.  I can't explain it.  It's just... I don't know!  The whole family is leaving for a week.  I can't help but feel a little bit upset, especially since I'm missing out.

But here's the problem.  I pipe up, Can we talk about something else?  I'm a little bit upset I'm not coming with you guys.  But oh, wait.  Shame on you!  My family gets defensive, idiotic, aggressive.

"Oh come on, Matt."
"What?  I'm just a little upset I won't be there."
"It's only a week."
"Yeah, but I'm a little upset it's a family vacation without me."
"It isn't even a family vacation.  It's only Myrtle Beach."
"Still!"
"Stop it."

I'm steamed that I can't at least feel a bit upset about being left behind.  It's not like this is irrational: I'm not sitting here going "my family is abandoning me!  My family hates me!"  No way.  It's just natural to not want to be left behind, to not want to be left out.  My family doesn't travel much anymore, as my parents are jet setters alone and come summer when I say What's the family vacation? they say "it was Myrtle Beach."  I just don't like that I'm nearly made out to be a brat, that my genuine discontent seems dramatic or stupid.  Like I've said, I'm not heartbroken; they act like I'm pounding my fists, or that I'm saying it to get leverage or some sort of twisted sympathy.  It's not like that.

"You're acting as if being in university is punishment since you can't come with us.  So drop out."

I didn't know my simple statement is "I'm a little upset that you guys are going" warranted such backlash.  This has been a bit of a trend in my life, if anything: I speak up, I stand ground, and I'm suddenly made to feel guilty, to feel like a villain.  So maybe I should keep my mouth shut.

All in all, I won't mind the week alone, not at all.  Again, it's just a little bit upsetting to be left behind.  Oh well.  Joke's on them.  The couple hundred bucks they're leaving me for food and emergency?  Yeah fuck that.  "Oh yeah, I spent it all on dinner" = I will eat cookies for dinner and pocket all of the money.