Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Matt's Guide to the Creatures of UTM

I promise you, this will be the most ridiculous thing you will ever read.

Arguably, things I hate became one of the more popular posts here, specifically the part about the yeti.  I thought to myself: Well, there are a whole lot of yetis at UTM that aren't even yetis.  Instead, in the woods of Mississauga, there lives a whole hoard of mythical creatures - and by that I mean people that me and my friends have singled out and given nicknames.
  • The YETI.  Quickly becoming one of the most popular creatures, we see the Yeti around a lot.
  • YAN.  Everyone knows this guy.  No explanation needed.  (pretty much, he's a SUPER awkward guy who is always in every lecture and every tutorial/lab for some reason.. he has absolutely NO social skills, and yeah you can look at me and call me rude, but he constantly hovers around you breathing his stank breath and unwelcomely interjects with the weirdest things)
  • The GING.  Yan's main squeeze.  But by that I mean the girl he usually stalks around and awkwardly inserts himself into her conversations much to her displeasure.
  • BUCKBEAK.  Originally the creepy guy who stared at one of my friends in his calculus tutorial, I coined the name Buckbeak because one calculus class we were like "let's assign Harry Potter names" (...) and he certainly resembles a hippogriff.  A new revelation is that he added another of my friends on facebook, somehow knowing her full name.
  • The RABBIT.  A girl who looks like a rabbit who cut in front of me at the vending machines once.  Bitch.
  • PLASTIC MOUSE.  A former roommate of a friend, this girl's face looks fake like a plastic mask while at the same time looking like a rodent.
  • SALLY SLUR.  One out of two of Plastic Mouse's minions.  She has a slur.
  • DEIDRIKA McWEAVE.  The second of the minions.  Some girl who everyone thinks is hot but she has this limp ugly weave extension.
  • The GRIZZLY BEAR.  Some guy in my Science Fiction class who looks like an awkward grizzly bear who constantly talks about the ENDING of each of the books out loud and obnoxiously.  He's spoiled 2/3 for me.
  • The CRAZY RUSSIAN GUY.  Another famous one everyone can recognize around campus.  A crazy looking Russian guy who literally runs around campus with a rolly backpack and is always wearing a full on suit.
  • STANKFACE.  Not a personal nickname (I'm responsible for most); he's a guy who has a lot of common classes with me and my friends, and one of my friends has a serious problem with his face for some reason.
  • The SICKLY GIRL.  A girl who weighs 50 pounds.  I'm sure of it.
  • PORKO.  The biggest of them all.  This charmer barrels toward you in the search of food.
  • STARBURST GIRL.  Why would you wear neon purple pants, a neon orange shirt, and have a neon purple bag?
  • And the greatest of them all.. SNUBBULL.
I hope I'm not forgetting anyone!

By the way, yeah, this can be taken as pretty mean, but more importantly I've meant this as a joke.  It's not like many people read this blog, and of those people I will bet all of my limbs that anyone mentioned doesn't read this, let alone know my name.

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