Thursday, June 2, 2011

Let's play a love game

I'm 20 and single.  While I would never say I'm bothered by the fact that I don't have a girlfriend, I would say that from time to time I remind myself of my bachelor status and can't help but feel a little bit lonely.

This past year marked a new sort of romantic revolution for my closest friends.  Quick background: I have an extremely tight-knit group of friends, the same friends that I've had since kindergarten (it certainly helps that we all live in the same neighbourhood and are walking distance from each other, save for one); as it stands, I'd say that they're all my sisters.  Wait up, put the breaks on: yeah, they're girls.  I'm going off on a major tangent, but the fact was that in grade school I was part of a larger circle of friends - had a handful of "best" guy friends - but by the time we got to high school the guys were the ones who drifted and the girls were the ones who stayed constant, and now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyways, of my group of friends, three of them got boyfriends this year (one has since broken up with her boyfriend - for good measure), and I was left alone as "the single one" along with another friend of mine.  I'm truly as happy as ever for my committed friends, but in a time where I was blatantly more single than ever, sometimes it stung.

Like I said, I'm not angry or upset with being single around people who aren't.  At this point in the summer, now, I don't even look at the two remaining couples as couples, given that we're all around each other all the time anyways so it's getting to be far more natural.  But as I said, I'm sometimes reminded by the fact that I don't have someone, and I can't help but feel a little discouraged in myself.

I would never say that I've ever been overly confident in myself.  In addition to that, I seem to be extremely particular in the girls I decide I like, and because of that the chance that that one girl will like me back is slim.  I've always said that I'll never be the type to hook up: when I do date someone, I truthfully wouldn't be surprised if that'll be it - I'm not looking for something casual, I'm looking for meaning.  I'm such a hopeless romantic it's absolutely disgusting.

One of the more upsetting things I've ever been told in my life was that I was looking for a girlfriend for all the wrong reasons; that I was so desperate for someone (a few months back when my friends' "boyfriend boom" was in high gear, yeah, I felt the loneliness or even jealousy the greatest) that I was looking for a girl just to label them as "mine."  That would never, ever be the case.  Even in the time where I was heavily influenced by being one of the sole single ones, I would never date someone for the sake of it; it would've been all the same aside from a minor sort of internal pressure I was dealing with to find someone.  That pressure's since been alleviated.

Now that it's the summer, I don't find myself overly concerned with being single.  Yeah, it would be very nice to have someone, but my activity this summer is so limited that happening upon someone outside of who I normally see is next to impossible. But then, you never know.

Re-reading this post, it's a bit of a clusterfuck.  I can't even draw my own conclusions.  The best I would say in a nutshell is: I'm single, people around me aren't, that doesn't bother me, but sometimes it does, and I always want someone, but sometimes not, and sometimes it's a more pressing want, but mostly I'm good.  In the meantime I'll just pine for Jennifer Lawrence.

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