Sunday, April 1, 2012

My Drunk Blog: Horror

Here I am, sitting on my couch once again at home - now officially moved home, I might add! - thinking about making a blog post about just that very fact when, oh, I find this treasure from last weekend.  I had a feeling there was something off with the number of posts I saw on my blogger dashboard, and lo and behold, this gem of a drunk blog was sitting there untouched.  As I now no longer feel like typing any more (maybe I'll write tomorrow..) I am assuming my duty to post what I penned a week ago while under the influence.  Enjoy as I fear for my life due to the bumps in the night.

Snakes on a Plane!  I don't really like that movie because I'm afraid of snakes.  But I saw it in theaters, and I was the only person in the theater so I thought there were vipers chilling with me, and I actually also own it on DVD cause I'm a fool.  Why have I been drinking?  Well, I went out for dinner with people who were certainly not my family, and therefore, I had three beers and god forbid wasting a buzz so I'm sitting at my computer with an open beer in hand.  I shouldn't even be allowed to drink at restaurants because my meal was something like fifteen dollars and yet my bill was fifty and HOLY, HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, THERE IS A HUGE FUCKING NOISE UPSTAIRS, WHAT IN THE FUCK, IT'S COMING FROM MY SISTER'S ROOM AND I'M HOME ALONE AND FUCK, FUCK, I'M DEAD.  GOODBYE WORLD.  I LOVED YOU BUT IT'S COOL.  I'M MEANT TO DIE AS A VICTIM ON CRIMINAL MINDS.  THIRTEEN GHOSTS, THE WOMAN IN BLACK, FUCK.

Update, I don't know what the sound was upstairs, I could possibly be a dead man but instead of investigating I just drank another beer.  I'm expecting to see some gnarly ass bitch crawling down the stairs being all yo, hey bitty, I'm killing you now, sorry for the disturbance LOLZ.  That's how I picture it.  Ever since reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban I've been terrified of home invasions, mostly because of the scene where Ron wakes up to Sirius over his bed.  My bedroom is right above the garage, and it'll easy to get into my bedroom so long as you climb onto the garage roof that sticks out, and, well, fuck.  Watching Criminal Minds religiously has not helped at all, and now I picture endless ways in which crazy motherfuckers can break into my house and I love that Firefox recognizes motherfucker as a word from the dictionary.  You go, ghetto ass dictionary.

So there wasn't any Thirteen Ghosts upstairs, but then I realized I can't see them without the glasses and I don't own any.. I'm alive, and with life comes more beer, so hoooooray.  I'm currently watching the MuchMusic countdown, and it makes me realize how little music I actually enjoy is "popular" and that sounds pretentious, certainly, but it's obvious that I'm no Bieleber or fan of OneDirection or whatever the hell that herd of chickens is called.  Sticking to Lana Del Wife, go watch her video for Blue Jeans and you don't need to enjoy it, I don't even care that it takes her four minutes to get into a fucking pool, whatever, keep up the slow motion and alligators.  Lana Del Marry Me.

I'm now watching Saturday Night Live but 1. it's a rerun with Anna Faris which is not a good episode at all except for the skit What's Wrong with Tanya? which is hilarious and 2. since I've drank so much everything seems fast forwarded.  Why, just two minutes ago it was a commercial break, and now there's a commercial break.  Either I'm foolish or advertisers are assholes.  Probably, but I just dealt with my parents while I'm drunk and I got away with it, I'm a sober bastard to them.  One time I got fucking drunk as hell before class but that was before I lived on campus so I commuted home, and somehow I got on a bus, a train, and was picked up by my mom.  While drunk I made my mom make me eggs and I took two bites then ran to the washroom and puked everywhere before I went to bed at 7:30pm.  Shhhs, they don't know I was a drunk that night, but they probably, probably did, but my parents were dumb because they didn't know I've been getting drunk since I was sixteen.  Simple, simple parents.  Shit, I puked in my mouth.  Goodnight.

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