Friday, February 24, 2012

My Drunk Blog: Elephants

Well, this is a shame.  I don't know why I've even consciously instituted something like My Drunk Blog in my sober mind because whenever I get home after drinking and get onto my laptop it's the first thing that comes to mind, and thus we end up with things like this.  Regardless: this has happened.  Last night I returned to karaoke with the regular gang (give or take a few missing bodies) and, admittedly, I didn't drink much, yet - and I got to this last night as I wrote - I discovered that I was a lot more intoxicated than what I thought I was.  That happens a lot; I guess it resonates a lot more when I'm home and it's dead silent and the only thing I can hear is the loud buzzing in my head, and in a similar sense, my stupid stumblings seem worse than they are in the silence of my house and in my solitude.  Again, I just don't know why I get on my computer after I drink: it either ends in horrific Facebook or Twitter postings, or it ends here.  I suppose this is much funnier.  Sit back and laugh, this is a good one.

It's been a whiel since I've posted and it's been a whiler since I've posted drunk so woo.  I just got home from karaoke with some of my favourite people in the whole world, and I'm astounded and rather excited that this bar now offers nearly all of Born This Way including Judas and Americano and Electric Chapel and You & I and even shit like The Queen and Fashion of his Love so it was a goddamn struggle to not rush the stage and sing every oneof those songs, but I'm kidding, because I can't sing and it takes a really shit ton of alcohol to get me up there.  Truth: I once sang Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picutre Show with a friend, but that was the night I threw up everywhere in the garden in my front yard because I drank too much.  That's a trend.  Not tonight though, I neither sang nor threw up because I'm dilligent and I just drank enough water to fill a pond and ate enough bread to feed a small village in order to take precautiong of tomorrow morning which is technically right now and today morning because now is February whatever the date is which is not February yesterday which was an two hours ago so today when I wake up huh.

Every time I get home after being out I discover many things.  First, I discover how drunk I really am.  Tonight, for instance, I really didn't drink much of my whiskey because tonight whiskey didn't agree with my stmach at all, and then I chugged two pints of Keith's at the bar in addition to a random beer that was sitting at our table before we claimed it and I now realize it was probably disease ridden or perhaps date raped, but at least when I succumb to this disease or rate rape I will be at home and will die a comfortable, happy Matt.  Either way, I didn't think I was superbly drunk, but then I got home somehow and then walking into my house and realized muthafucka, I'm moderately hammered, and the buzzing in my head is like sup, I'm disturbing you, so let's be friends.  Wheneevr I come home drunk I always take precautions to be quiet to respect my sleepy family, but every action I make is the sound of ten thousand elephants driving ten thousand bulldozers through a burning hospital.  Digest that image.  I take off my jacket, ten thousand bulldozer driving elephants.  I kick of my shoes, elephants.  I chug water and eat this grainy ass bread that tastes delisicous now but is grainy and tree like in the morning, elephants.  Even now, my elephant fingers slam on the elepehant keys of my laptop and now I'm googling elephants, particularly elephant families.

Lana Del Rey can't sing live for shit but shes got a beautiful recorded voice and I love her songs and fake lips so I'd probably just propose to her on th spot.  Usually when I'm drunk I eat, and this is the case tonight because I've etain the grainy ass bread but back in residence I always come home and make myself eggs and toast and dammit I want some eggs and toast right now.  I usually make drunken loud eggs at 2am when my drunk ass stumbles its way home but I actually possess something now (respect) which prevents me from disturbing the inhabitants of my house (ie my family) with my obnoxious and messy loud cooking.  It would be elephants, I swear.  But I really really want eggs and toast.  Even grainy toast, s'all good, just toast yoself and butter yoself and get in my stomach.

This is stupid.  It's 2am and I have the chills and the motherfucking Woman in Black is totally plotting a way to get me in my sleep tonight so mostly I'm going to admit defeat and die at the hands of this angry ass spirit bitch who I believe haunts my house.  Also Freddy Kreuger.  I love the movie Freddy vs. Jason even though it sucsk really bad and Kelly Rowland aka Subordinate Beyonce isn't a very good actress but it's okay because she's slammed against a tree.  Ha.  And I know this because I watched it three or fifty nights ago but it was in this week I swear.  Good movie.  Actually no it sucks a lot.  But I liked it.  And I liked it when I was a wee lad in grade eight with frosted tips and a love for rap music.  Goodbye.


  1. You should really work on that throwing up thing... Just saying. As a friend.

  2. I don't anymore, you anonymous jerk!

    1. You wound me with your hurtful names.

    2. Truth, it seems, is not a good bedfellow for you. I am no jerk, and you'd do well to remember such a thing.

    3. from another anonymous, the previous anonymous concerns me.

      also, i highly enjoyed this.

  3. I physically could not read this...although it was quite funny at some parts