Left behind

I'm such a freaking downer.  It's either I'm all woe is me here on my blog or I talk about Lady Gaga.  Goddamnit.  See, now I've mentioned her in yet another post.

Tonight, I finally convinced my family to go out for dinner.  It's been a very uphill battle lately.  They always say "no" when I ask if we can, saying it's a waste of money and all that.  Aye, but therein lies the rub: they go out for dinner nearly every weekend with their friends.  Whenever I suggest, Let's go out for dinner!, it's always "no, we went out last week."  No, correction: I didn't.  Then they attempt to say "well the last time you went out was not that long ago," when we all very well know it was my mom's birthday.  In January.  Indeed, I kept tabs.

I digress!  We're out for dinner, I am very smug with satisfaction, and the topic eventually gets onto the family vacation to Myrtle Beach, commencing Friday.  But when I say family vacation, I mean, the family minus me.  I can deal with the conversation, but it keeps going... and going... and ten minutes later I haven't opened my mouth at all; instead I'm listening to when they're packing or the restaurants they'll visit or the things they'll do (or don't want to).

Yeah, so it's March Break for my sister.  I had my reading week last week, so I'm not getting gypped out of a week off; similarly I can't take a week off of regulation classes to travel with the family.  In fact, I don't even care that it's Myrtle Beach, since I've been once and it wasn't all that great.  On top of that, I'll get the house to myself for a week - even though various members of my family will be visiting for dinner, or even though I'll be elsewhere for the whole weekend.  Even still, nobody'll be in my way as I drink alone on St. Patrick's Day. :')

Despite all that, I can't help but feel a bit upset that I'm missing out on a family vacation - even if it isn't a once in a lifetime excursion, I'm still a little put out.  I can't explain it.  It's just... I don't know!  The whole family is leaving for a week.  I can't help but feel a little bit upset, especially since I'm missing out.

But here's the problem.  I pipe up, Can we talk about something else?  I'm a little bit upset I'm not coming with you guys.  But oh, wait.  Shame on you!  My family gets defensive, idiotic, aggressive.

"Oh come on, Matt."
"What?  I'm just a little upset I won't be there."
"It's only a week."
"Yeah, but I'm a little upset it's a family vacation without me."
"It isn't even a family vacation.  It's only Myrtle Beach."
"Still!"
"Stop it."

I'm steamed that I can't at least feel a bit upset about being left behind.  It's not like this is irrational: I'm not sitting here going "my family is abandoning me!  My family hates me!"  No way.  It's just natural to not want to be left behind, to not want to be left out.  My family doesn't travel much anymore, as my parents are jet setters alone and come summer when I say What's the family vacation? they say "it was Myrtle Beach."  I just don't like that I'm nearly made out to be a brat, that my genuine discontent seems dramatic or stupid.  Like I've said, I'm not heartbroken; they act like I'm pounding my fists, or that I'm saying it to get leverage or some sort of twisted sympathy.  It's not like that.

"You're acting as if being in university is punishment since you can't come with us.  So drop out."

I didn't know my simple statement is "I'm a little upset that you guys are going" warranted such backlash.  This has been a bit of a trend in my life, if anything: I speak up, I stand ground, and I'm suddenly made to feel guilty, to feel like a villain.  So maybe I should keep my mouth shut.

All in all, I won't mind the week alone, not at all.  Again, it's just a little bit upsetting to be left behind.  Oh well.  Joke's on them.  The couple hundred bucks they're leaving me for food and emergency?  Yeah fuck that.  "Oh yeah, I spent it all on dinner" = I will eat cookies for dinner and pocket all of the money.

Last man standing

Given the fact that school starts tomorrow, it's all I've been able to think about for the past.. well, week.  All these thoughts and emotions have increased and amplified today, Labour Day, Monday, my last day before switching into absolute overdrive.  I've already gone through the whole hard work worries, and yeah, that's still very much a huge stresser in my mind, but there's obviously much more than that, the biggest of which has made itself clear in the last few days.

This year, I'm still living at home, and this year, I'm completely alone here, left in Burlington and doomed to the forward and backward movements of the GO train.

I feel like I've truly been deprived, not living in residence for my first year.  I know I've missed something major in my life, living on my own with other people who would've undoubtedly become good friends; I never did the whole "I'll stick with you" during orientation; I was always the one last year who would say, No, I'm not coming to (tonight, whatever), I need to catch the train in twenty minutes.  I wish I could say I don't know why I didn't live on res first year, but I know exactly why: for some stupid reason, my dad was completely opposed to the idea of me moving away.  Whenever I'd even bring up the thought, he'd either shoot it down with a "Period." or, if we were with other people, he'd make a point to lecture me on how "stupid the idea is," knowing he'd get the support of the adults around.  I'd then be pulled aside and looked down upon by everyone else saying, "You know, your dad's right."

I do get it, a bit: yes, my campus is a half hour away from where I live now (twenty minutes if the driver is me.. speed's my middle name), and yes, the cost did seem a little high.  But my mom, my dad's devil's advocate, argued the same as I did: it's pretty much a life experience, moving out and doing the whole first year thing with friends.

I'm not irked now by my dad's decision.  I made due with my status as a commuter, and to be honest, the trains didn't effect me much after the first week.  I liked the down time (time devoted to reading this year.. guarantee), but I didn't like coming home completely spent and therefore too tired to do schoolwork, hence my horrid first year.

This year, though, my parents chose ignorance.  A plan to get a house fell through, and things happen, so so be it.  I toyed with the idea of maybe applying for residence second year, but I know that the school's stupid point system would cut me off (the point system regulating who gets back in is heavily catered toward those who already lived in residence, and the weight of my GPA wouldn't get me in alone).  My parents would always say, "We'll look into houses later," and later became never.

The only reason I'm again in the dumps about living at home for second year is that I'm truly alone this year.  I've already driven through the city looking down streets and reminding myself, (So-and-so; no need for names, you know) is already gone.  I get to once again take a seat back and watch my friends - even just people I know, boasting on facebook about moving in or already meeting new people or reconnecting with older ones - go through the whole settling in process, returning to their "other lives" (and I say that without spite).  I'm finding it a bit hard to digest, knowing I'm alone, that I'm the guy who's sitting around at home still.  It's tough.  I'll deal.